Finally. The last day. I just wanted this entire ordeal over and to have a chance to crash hard and get over the exhaustion. By this point I was estimating the number of steps between the bed to the shower, from the shower to my clothes, from my clothes to the car downstairs, from the car to elevator, from the elevator to the medical chair. I still came in at a pain level of 6 and left the same. This time I didn't bother with the Kindle other than starting my music off right away and closing my eyes. There was a new nurse on duty this time around and I asked for an extra dose of the Versed. I still had the same dreaded spiraling sensation of just drowning in doubt and feeling like a fake. At this point, attempting to ever do a Ketamine Treatment again was a solid “NO” from me. But I tried to refrain from posting much about it online because I knew that the exhaustion could be masking any benefits and I really needed to wait until the exhaustion passed before I decided how I felt. If it meant going through this hell again, it would have to be a year before I ever came near Ketamine again. (I have since changed my mind on that.)
It was a pretty blurry memory since this was the highest dose and I think the Versed kicked in a bit better.
It just makes me laugh to myself when the Ketamine kicks in and I start in on feeling like a liar and a fake. 'My pain is all just a big lie and I've lied to all my family, friends and coworkers. Right now I feel AMAAAAZING.' And guilty because I don't hurt. Then of course I get unhooked and it all comes slamming back into me like a brick wall. By the last couple treatments I learned to keep my eyes shut the majority of the time and that kept the headache down a LOT.
Once my husband picked me up, I again needed help getting into the car but I wanted to celebrate the last treatment and we stopped for a celebratory smoothie. Once home I was helped onto to the cot and I passed out until around 11pm and hauled myself up to the real bed.
A few days later - The exhaustion was still bugging me and washing my hair was using too much energy so I went and chopped it all off. :x
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